Midnight
Carafe
Food and wine without the performance.
Madame Monsieur Mx,
Monsieur Madame Mx.
Sure, dining out and having a meal is fun. Perhaps a pasta paired with some mass produced piss (wine). Points deducted if served in a cheese wheel.
How do I decide where I want to eat? I could search online for places that are usually hidden from me. I could check the latest 'Influencer' who 'fell in love with…' but really it's because their pockets were lined and they got a free meal. I could skim read an online publication to go to the same places everyone else goes to.
Let's make sure we stick to social norms. Politely excuse yourself to the toilet or bathroom? Piss inside the toilet bowl and don't miss. Is there a sanitary bin? I hope so — it's fucking 2026. Leave the seat up or down, who knows? Make sure the napkin is used correctly as that makes one feel sophisticated. Cutlery on the left or right? Yes, kind person, I'd love to try a dabble of the bottle of wine I've asked for. I know not what it should taste like but I'll smell it. Look into the distance and act like I know what I'm smelling for. It's not like a Somm with an inflated ego (not all of them, we love Sommes) can deduce what it is. I'll use words like acidic and floral as if my poor tongue is a pH detector and can taste what I normally smell when tripping in the park. I won't be a dick and reject the bottle because social norms dictate I can't. Perhaps I'll just send it away so my fragile ego can feel inflated for the evening before I head home. I'll keep my fingers clean. I'll make sure to use the fork with my left hand. Blah, blah, blah.
Throw your napkins on the table and walk out in disgust. We're messy, raw and unfiltered. We care about where your ingredients are from, we care about the faces in the kitchen — not just someone who knows nothing about the food they're serving apart from their good looks — and we aim to shed an angle on an industry we all love, but an angle we never see.
Welcome to the dark side. The real side. The other side. The unconscious side. Who knows — welcome to a side that no one cares about. All are welcome. One rule: love your fellow human, for we're all one. And have a bit of fun in this chaos called life.
We asked,
we poured.
A small independent publication exploring food, wine, hospitality and the rituals that bring people together.
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